Shinobi Mail
by EeBee-kohai
Summary: The shinobi mail system helps the ninja of the Elemental Countries exchange their letters. But what do these letters say? A collection of correspondence from various shinobi to one another. Written with the help of Lil' Deidei.
1. Chapter 1: Jiraiya to Orochimaru

Dear Orochimaru,

Or, as some people call you, Pedo-sama. Or just Pedo. Or Snaky-Pedo. Or Snaky-Snaky-Pedo-kun.

That's my favorite.

Just so you know, I have the locations to all your hideouts, and I'm planning on destroying them. You leaving the village stung just a bit, but, when I found out about your experiments beneath the city, I realized it was definitely for the better good of Konoha that you actually left.

Now, some other village can support your maniacal experiments while we try to rehabilitate the "results" of your other experiments back into society.

Allow me to tell you about them. I am sure you are dying to hear.

Anko is recovering quite well, although we sometimes find her throwing Kunai at random people and trying to get her snake summons to choke them to death. Not sure if she did that before or not, but, oh well. She has managed to convince the Fourth Hokage's student, Kakashi, to date her; I thought you would be glad to know. Did I mention that Kakashi is being considered for Hokage? Huh, wasn't that the position _you_ once wanted? Yet Sarutobi-sensei chose someone instead of you…

Tenzou, or Yamato, as we now call him, has also been accepted back into the village, even after you messed with his DNA. He now helps teach with Kakashi, and he has helped one of our strongest ninja master the change in chakra nature. I am sure you remember how hard that was. But he got in about a day or so. Such a smart boy.

Anyway, back to Tenzou. He…well, I honestly can't think of anything to say about him. I could describe his appearance to you…he's tall. His face is flat and his eyes look like almonds. I wonder what he would do when drunk… I'm going to have to find out.

Anyway, I hope you know that I will continue stalking you until you die.

I hope for your sake that you find a method of death soon. Because I can be a creepy stalker. Just ask the ladies.

Ooh, ladies….

Anyway, I must go now. I think I overused the word 'anyway'… oh well.

Goodbye, my pale freaky friend with nasty hair and an unhealthy obsession with young boys and Kekkai Genkai.

I hope to hear from you soon. Here's my current address: 214 Bathhouse Drive, Suna, Wind Country, Japan.

Jiraiya, the Great Toad Sage


	2. Chapter 2: Tobi to Deidara

Dear Deidara,

I love you. I love you so much, it hurts my heart. Or maybe that's indigestion. I'll go check.

*pauses letter writing to look up indigestion in medical book*

Nope, I checked, and it turns I out I have the symptoms for leukemia. Now that you know I am going to die, can we date? Please? I'll let you see underneath my mask!

The other day, when you were talking to Itachi, I got so jealous. So please forgive me for telling Sasuke where the hideout is. I just can't let anyone else take you from me!

Anyway, I have a picnic lunch planned for Sunday, just for us two. I found out that there is a Happy-Field near Konoha, and I want to take you there. I heard that Orochimaru and Kabuto go there quite frequently, so perhaps you can blow them up for a little after-dinner entertainment? Or, I can provide the after-dinner entertainment.

With the deepest of affections,

Your one, true lollipop love,

Tobi.

* * *

Dear Deidara,

Will you marry me?

Your special, sweet, lollipop love,

Tobi.

* * *

Dear Deidara,

You haven't replied yet.

It makes me so sad.

Sometimes I get the feeling you don't like me.

But then I remember your beautiful smile after you blow me up, and the way you call me an idiot and then try to strangle me to death, and I think _That just can't possibly be true! Deidara-sempai would never try to kill me if he wasn't deeply in love!!!_

So I have to ask again, will you marry me, Sempai? Because I just love love love you!!

I look forward to your answer with great anticipation. I'm going to go make some brownies now, for our picnic, so just let me know what you think. In fact, you don't even have to write a letter back (although I would love one to show our kids later). You can just tell me what you think since we share a room!

Your one true love of lollipop's,

Tobi


	3. Chapter 3: Sasuke to Itachi

Dear Itachi,

I am going to kill you.

I want vengeance.

You must die.

I will kill you.

Because of you, I am now living with a pedophile and some weird guy in glasses with a rather odd affection for the pedophile. How is this your fault I hear you ask? Well, allow me to answer that for you.

YOU KILLED THE WHOLE CLAN.

Because of this, I had to declare vengeance for our family and now, since I wasn't getting strong enough fast enough, I had to let this Pedo-guy give me a hickey, and then move out with him and his boy friend to the middle of nowhere.

I would like you to know that I am stuck in a village full of morons who go around blowing air at each other in an attempt to attack each other. You would not believe how hard it is to train against someone who keeps fanning you.

All I have to do to get rid of them is block their air holes. This is in no way going to help me kill you, unless I try stuffing cotton up your nose. I don't think that will work, though.

I already know you will use Genjutsu against me, so I am preparing to fight you with that. However, since you know that I am going to train for Genjutsu, I am also learning Ninjutsu. You have no chance, Itachi.

I will get my vengeance.

Sasuke


	4. Chapter 4: Orochimaru to Jiraiya

Dear Old Friend,

I just loved those nick-y-names. In fact, I have ordered Kabuto and Sasuke to address me only by those names. And I have ordered t-shirts with "Snaky-Snaky-Pedo-sama" written on them!

Except Kabuto seems to be confused as to which honorific to use. He accidentally said "Snaky-Snaky-Pedo-hime" the other day.

Sasuke laughed, which was an odd thing to hear from someone who hadn't said a word the whole time he has been here.

I am pleased to hear that Anko is settling back into the village well, although I must confess that I have absolutely no clue who Tenzou is. Or Yamato, for that matter. But thank you for providing me with the information.

Say "hey" to Anko for me. Kabuto also sends his love, and Sasuke says to Naruto, "Hnnn. Dobe." He has no messages for Sakura.

As for the obsession with young boys, I will have you know that I loooveee them.

How is Tsunade doing? I hear she was commandeered into becoming Hokage after I wiped out Sarutobi-sensei. It is a shame you guys did not consider asking me. I would have been more than happy to take the position!

Never mind, I'm the leader of my own village now. Perhaps you have heard of us? The village is called Otogakure, or the Hidden Village of the Sound. If you want to come here, we are holding a concert next week. Drop by and maybe I will give you free tickets. No perverted stuff, though.

Who is this young boy you are referring to who mastered the change in chakra nature so quickly? I must meet him! Perhaps this boy can be one of my new experiments! *Fan-girl squeal*

Anyway, it was nice to hear from you, Jiraiya. I look forward to your next letter. Oh, and I don't think you used the word 'anyway' too much. You should listen to Kabuto talk.

Love,

Orochimaru, Snaky-Snaky-Pedo-sama ^_^


	5. Chapter 5: Hinata to Sakura

Dear Sakura,

I WILL GET YOU! YOU CAN'T STEAL NARUTO FROM ME! MWAHAHAHA!

Your eternal love rival,

Hinata

* * *

Billboard-brow,

I know you told Naruto that you love him, but YOU WILL NEVER TAKE HIM FROM ME! MWAHAHAHA!! [Evil lighting goes here]

Hinata

* * *

Sakura,

I should warn you that I have no qualms about using Juuken on a fellow Konoha Shinobi. When it comes to my love, nothing will stop me. So you better watch your back…

Hinata

* * *

Forehead,

I really don't like you. You make me mad. As a noble Hyuuga, it is improper to hate anyone, let alone dislike anyone. That is why I am creating a secret plan to KILL, KILL, KILL! MWAHAHAHA! I won't give you any more details, but watch out; I would at least like a small challenge from the Shinobi lands' most useless ninja.

Hinata


	6. Chapter 6: Deidara to Tobi

Dear Tobi,

Get lost.

Deidara


	7. Chapter 7: Kisame to Itachi

Dearest Itachi,

I am writing this letter to explain my undying love for you. But you don't like fish. Every time you tell me that, I die a little inside. [Teardrop goes here *] Itachi! Why don't you love fish? We're amazing!

My aunty Hammerhead was the best fish in existence. She always loved tuna…

My uncle, Joey, was a piranha. He was [sniff sniff] such a great person–fish. And you don't like fish? He took over Fishy-Land for us!

Itachi, Please change your mind!

Fish-Man-Kisame,

Akatsuki hideout


	8. Chapter 8: Itachi to Sasuke

Dear Sasuke,

I was so pleased to get your letter. It made me smile. I showed it to all the guys here at the Akatsuki hideout, and they thought it was great. I'm the only one with family still alive, which is surprising, considering I wiped out 318 members of our clan, so I share with them my experiences.

Deidara thought it was so sad that you have to fight such losers. He burst into tears and I had to wait a whole hour before I could continue reading the letter aloud. He suggests that you teach those Sound losers some Ninjutsu rather than letting them fart at you all the time, so that there will be more of a challenge for you when you train.

I was a little concerned to read about the hickey this man supposedly gave you, and I must confess that the guy sounds slightly familiar. He wouldn't happen to look suspiciously like Michael Jackson, would he? If so, I am coming over right away to kill him and I want you to find someone else to train you to kill me.

Jiraiya would be a great choice.

I am pleased you figured out the secret to beating me so quickly. I thought it was going to take another couple of years at least, but now I know my carefully laid out plans will go through properly. You will grow strong and kill me, and I will be able to protect you past my death.

Write back soon, Foolish Little Otouto!

I love you!

xx

~Itachi~


	9. Chapter 9: Kakashi to Anko

Dear Anko,

You used to scare the poop out of me. Now you just scare me enough that I fart a lot. You are right; our relationship has progressed.

This is why I would like to take you out to dinner tonight, to ask you a question of great importance. Um… yeah. I'll see you then.

Love,

Kakashi.


	10. Chapter 10: Hinata to Ino

Well, hello there, Ino…

Sakura said you're ugly. And you smell like a used diaper. I think you should team up with me to get her away from Naruto-kun. Or in your case, to stop her from getting close to Sasuke. If we stop her now, you won't have any obstacles between you and Sasuke. *And I won't have any obstacles to Naruto-kun. Mwahaha*

Anyway, write to me soon to let me know if you will assist me with this.

Hyuuga Hinata


	11. Chapter 11: Itachi to Kisame

Uh… Tuna-san,

I don't mind fish. In fact, I quite like it. Especially tuna. And salmon. But I'm sorry, Kisame, I told you before, I can't date a fish. It is one thing to be friends with a fish, but it is an entirely different thing to date one. I believe that would be illegal, as well… bestiality…

Stop dying. Me telling you that dating a fish is weird is no reason to die. I really don't want a new partner already. Oh yeah, get away from my door. All I want to do is sleep, and you constantly knock. All the time!

So please, Kisame, it will never work between us! Stop stalking me. Please.

Itachi


	12. Chapter 12: Naruto to Ramen Kamis

Dear Ramen Kamis,

I am sorry I threw that bowl of delicious ramen across the room at Sasuke. He was really making me mad. I thought the Power of the Ramen would overcome his Emo-ness.

Now that he's gone, it's so much harder to throw ramen at him! I have to take ramen-to-go with me everywhere and tell him, "Hang on, Sasuke. Let me finish cooking this ramen." Then he asks me why and I say, "Because I want to cure your Emo-ness."

Then I get another one of those snarkastic looks that say, 'Dude. What the heck is wrong with you?'

Anyway, I was wondering if you could make ramen-to-go a little bit easier to cook. Like maybe it gets opened and instantly heats up! Or maybe it's _always_ hot! Oh wait, that would be a really bad idea. It would burn my awesome blossom Shinobi gear!

Thank you for your time, Ramen Kamis,

And if it won't take too much time, please bless my Ichiraku ramen,

Naruto


	13. Chapter 13: Jiraiya to Orochimaru

Dear Snakyphile-chan,

Those "nick-y-names" were not meant to be liked. Hence the "pedo" parts.

It's probably you who is confused as to the honorific.

Sasuke laughed? That should be front page news! I wasn't aware that he even could.

Tenzou/Yamato was the baby you put the Shodai Hokage's genes in. I'd think you'd remember one of your most precious experiments.

I told Anko you said "hey." She says "die." Naruto says, "Come back, dattebayo!" to Sasuke. Sakura sends a punch.

I am surprised you aren't a registered pedophile.

Tsunade is fine. She is a very good Hokage. Unlike what you would have been, creep. Your leadership is what is making your village such a weird place. Seriously, that place is sketchyyyyy.

Ohh! A concert? What band?

That young boy is Uzumaki Naruto and if you touch him, I will personally cut off all of your limbs while making you listen to Paris Hilton. And… did you write "fangirl squeal"?

Luckily, I have yet to hear him talk extensively.

Love,

Jira-chan


	14. Chapter 14: Ramen Kamis to Naruto

Dear Naruto,

We appreciate your informing us of the reasons for why you threw your Blessed Sacred Holy Ramen at Uchiha Sasuke-san. We must admit, the council was concerned with this unprecedented action, and was almost moved to take a Ramen Kami vote on the issue, especially as you have applied countless times for the position. Please remember, we require all Ramen Kamis, deities, saints, and representatives alike, to uphold the Sanctity of Ramen all the world over. Under every circumstance does this mean you would be agreeing to always bless your ramen before eating it, and only deigning not to consume a bowl of ramen if pressed by the need for Some Noob to try a bowl of the noodle-and-brothy deliciousness.

Please do keep that in mind as you apply for the position in the future. As much of an aggravator as Uchiha-san indubitably is, what with his non-ramen-eating tendencies, we, the Ramen Kamis, ask that you always remember how Special and Important Ramen truly is.

Also, while we do like the idea of instantly hot ramen without even the need to boil water beforehand, we feel the need to point out that we Ramen Kamis do not actually oversee the manufacturing of Ramen. We have laid out specific recipe guidelines and advised ingredients lists, but our main duty is to monitor the consumption of our noodles.

We hope you continue to enjoy Ramen on a daily basis, and we bless you and your Ichiraku Ramen as the Holy Ramen Kamis.

Thank you for your writings, and remember, Ramen in Peace!

The Ramen Kamis


	15. Chapter 15: Fangirls to Itachi

Dear Itachi-sama,

You are so cute! We know you are lying to us, silly. You are just soooo kind to your little brother and we know you're, like, the best thing ever. We also would like to offer you an offer! Of marriage! Hooray! Except there are a lot of us so maybe we will have to take turns… or you can just marry me, I am the leader of the Itachi-sama is So Cute and Sexy and Smexxy Fan Club.

Love you so very very very very very very much,

The Itachi-sama is So Cute and Sexy and Smexxy Fan Club

PS—Please keep leaving your window wide open. We are trying to make a whole album on facebook of you undressing.

PSS—We will help you with Sasuke in exchange for photos of Deidara, too. XD (We are trading them with the Deidara Fan Club.)


End file.
